Relationships At A Distance: How To Understand Whether To Continue Them

In 2020, due to the pandemic and related restrictions, many were faced with the fact that personal relationships had to be transferred online. At the same time, novels quite often begin with a long-distance relationship. Psychologist Alena Golzitskaya tells what features of such interaction and what mistakes should be avoided.

Alena Golzitskaya, systemic family psychotherapist, researcher at the Psychological Institute of the Russian Academy of Education, specialist of the service for the selection of psychologists Alter

Should you start a long-distance relationship?

First of all, let me remind you that, as a rule, all romantic relationships are initially a long-distance relationship (if you have concerns about this format, then perhaps this thought will cheer you up a little). Nowadays, no one starts an acquaintance with a wedding and cohabitation (I don't take extreme cases into account), and the first meeting and initial communication are increasingly taking place on the Internet, and not in the real world. The period of recognition of each other, associated with the search for common points of contact, the development of rules for interaction, the formulation of prohibitions, and falls on the same "traveling" format, when partners mostly meet either somewhere in public places or on the territory belonging to each of them, or online.

In this sense, remote relations (at least in the initial phase), in essence, do not differ so much from face-to-face format. Perhaps, it is worth noting that when communicating at a distance, the effect of rose-colored glasses can be more pronounced - when we look at a partner not realistically, but prefer to rely on our own fantasies about him: at first this effect is supported not only by hormones, but also by whether there is we have the opportunity to move into the field of real interaction or not.

Shot from the movie "Before Dawn" © kinopoisk.ru

Otherwise, distance relationships are just as capable of giving us a cocktail of various, sometimes contradictory feelings and emotions, for which (not least) we are looking for a romantic partner: euphoria, delight, surprise, doubt, fear, rage, happiness.

But after a while, the partners in whatever format they meet, the question invariably arises: what next?

Is it worth continuing the relationship at a distance

When do you need to doubt that a new relationship is worth investing time and effort into? First of all, focus on your own sense of comfort in communication. I'm not talking here about the natural anxiety of anticipating contact with another person (especially romantic) - this is normal and at first happens to almost everyone.

Check list

Before you really dive into partnerships, there are a few important questions to ask yourself:

Do you mutually take the initiative to communicate?
Are your interests and needs taken into account during communication?
Do you often feel awkward, ashamed, or fearful while communicating with this person?
Does your partner respect your view of things, especially if it differs from his / her opinion?
Do you often have to give up your plans in order to meet with a person, when he does not meet you halfway?
Can you be yourself / yourself in communication with him / her and feel comfortable at the same time?
Do you often see the coincidence of these promises and their implementation, can you trust the person and his actions?

If most of the answers to these questions are “no,” then there is a very high probability that long-distance relationships will not develop into a closer format. This is due to the fact that the person with whom you start communicating has a clear priority of his own needs, neglecting yours. In such conditions, it is almost impossible to build a good relationship - you will always find yourself in the position of the giving side, and in return you will not receive anything significant.

Shot from the movie "Romantics 303" © kinopoisk.ru

Why start online dating

The most popular way to start a romantic relationship remotely is with online dating apps. Let's say you met a person on Tinder or Badoo. Before going any further, it is important to understand for what purposes you enter into such communication. If this is an expansion of the circle of friends, unobtrusive correspondence or meetings for entertainment, then, probably, you will not be faced with the task of deeply getting to know a person, building a trusting contact for a long period of time. Then, it is quite possible that you will continue to communicate mainly in a remote format with some new acquaintances, and such a relationship will not weigh on you or the other side.

But what if you are looking for more serious interactions and want to build real relationships that eventually develop into partnerships or even family? In this case, nuances begin to appear that are worth paying attention to.

Users of online dating services note that some of the people with whom they communicate do not at all strive to leave the virtual format. Most often these are either those who do not want to burden themselves with spending (time and money) on a partner, but want to get a source of arousal or satisfaction of sexual needs without much stress, or those who thus feed their own illusion of having a wide network of contacts. In either case, counting on the development of serious relationships with such candidates is an empty idea, because none of them sets such a goal for themselves.

Alas, when communicating through dating services, there is a real risk of getting stuck in unproductive distance relationships with those who profit from someone else's gullibility. (Of course, we are talking only about individual unscrupulous users, but vigilance will not hurt.)

Check list

To find out if you have fallen into a similar trap, ask yourself the following questions:

How often do we with a communication partner use real chances to communicate not only online, but also in person?
Is the contribution of time, money and effort on the part of my friend / acquaintance to our relationship equivalent to my own?
Can I refuse my friend / acquaintance to communicate on sexual and other difficult topics in case I feel uncomfortable, without fear of losing our contact?
Does the communication partner respect my unwillingness to move into the plane of intimate communication online, if I think it is untimely / unacceptable?
Can I comfortably build our remote communication in accordance with my own work and other occupation?
Do I feel that my partner allows me to take a break to think about the answer, am I free / free to answer when it suits me, without feeling pressure from him / her?

Again, if most of the answers are negative, then you are at risk.

Is long distance relationships always unproductive

Of course not. There are circumstances when a long distance format of relationships is forced and inevitable - for example, if people live in different cities or countries, with very tight schedules, special working conditions, or in extreme circumstances. These are the main characteristics that make it possible to look at such a relationship as promising.