10 Best Books On Relationships

Anna Alymova, psychologist, editor of a blog about psychotherapy, specialist of the service for the selection of psychologists Alter

Sue Johnson. "Hug me tighter"

M: "Mann, Ivanov and Ferber", 2018

Sue Johnson is one of the founders of Emotional Focused Therapy. This line of therapy helps couples build strong attachment and intimacy. Johnson herself compared it to a pair dance production.

More often than not, relationships are shattered by people playing destructive scenarios. For example, during a quarrel, one of the partners withdraws, wants to be alone with himself and think about everything, and the other at this moment feels abandoned. The feeling of abandonment deepens resentment and fear for the relationship. I would like to "catch up" with a partner, reach out to him. This only reinforces the misunderstanding, which provokes a new quarrel - the cycle is closed, the scenario can be repeated from time to time.

Hug Me Tighter is a guide on how to recognize and exit these scenarios. This is the foundation for building healthy relationships to start with.

"Hug me tighter". Sue Johnson © liters.ru

Marina Travkova. "Infidelity"

M: "Bombora", 2021

You can get completely different answers to the question about your attitude to cheating. Someone will say that cheating is a betrayal that cannot be forgiven. Someone - that everyone changes, just some do not carefully hide it. There is a position “men are polygamous, and women are monogamous”. Who is right?

Sex therapist Marina Travkova explains why cheating happens, despite the fact that it can hurt and destroy relationships. As in treason, both partners often unconsciously invest. And, finally, what to do if you stumbled upon your husband's erotic correspondence or you were told the bare facts head on.

"Infidelity". Marina Travkova © liters.ru

Amir Levin. "Match each other"

M: "Mann, Ivanov and Ferber", 2020

Do you like the scientific approach to relationships? Then you'll love this book too! It draws on the attachment theory developed by psychoanalyst John Bowlby.

Affection is formed between the child and the parent (or guardian) in the early years of life. How this happens determines all our future relationships. Bowlby identified three types of attachment:

Reliable

It is a healthy type of attachment that occurs when a child feels safe from the first years of life. He trusts his parent and is not afraid of the world. In relationships, people with reliable attachments calmly build intimacy, are not afraid of rejection, and do not try to over-control their partner.

Avoiding

From the outside it seems that these people do not need relationships at all - they are so self-sufficient and cold. In childhood, they could suffer from overprotection or misunderstanding on the part of the parent, therefore, proximity for them is associated with insecurity.

Anxious

Intolerance to loneliness, jealousy, self-doubt are signs of an anxious type of attachment. It is formed if a person has experienced the loss of parents, separation from them or lack of attention.

Matching Together helps you define your relationship behavior and (if you want to) change it.

"We fit together." Amir Levin © litres.ru

Berry and Janey Winehold. "Liberation from codependency"

M: "Class", 2002

Initially, psychologists understood codependency only as a relationship with a person suffering from addiction - alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction. Now the term is used more broadly and is applied to relationships in which people give up their own needs and focus entirely on the other person. But this does no good to anyone, but only destroys both.

Many believe that codependency is incurable. The authors of this book show by examples from practice that this is not so. If you analyze the reasons why codependency has formed, as well as systematically change the model of behavior, you can learn to build completely different relationships.

"Breaking free from codependency" is a set of specific instructions and tests that will help track progress. In addition, the book contains stories from the psychological practice of the authors: what requests were made to them by clients, how the therapy went and what they managed to achieve.

"Liberation from Codependency". Berry Winehold, Janey Winehold © liters.ru

Daniel Wyle. "After the honeymoon"

M: "Alpina Publisher", 2017

This book is not just for married couples. It is dedicated to that period in the relationship when the bright love subsided and we see each other with all the shortcomings, the difference in habits and interests. If you notice that after a couple of years the relationship is no longer pleasing, it's not that no one is right for you. It can be fixed.

It is generally accepted that an ideal marriage is when you do not quarrel, understand each other perfectly and always agree on everything. But couples who make this impression are often the hardest hit. Conflicts inevitably arise in closeness between two people. And that's not a bad thing - they give us a chance to better understand each other. It is in difficult times in a couple that the very deep intimacy that should replace falling in love is built, says Daniel Wyle.

"After the honeymoon." Daniel Wyle © liters.ru

Esther Perel. "Always welcome"

M: "Mann, Ivanov and Ferber", 2020

Psychotherapist Esther Perel explores the topic of sex in long-term relationships. Always Wanted is a reprint of her bestseller, Captive Breeding. How to reconcile eroticism and everyday life”.

We look for trust, stability and intimacy in relationships. And when we get it, we get bored. It is boredom and predictability that most often lead to betrayal - you want not just physical intimacy, but novelty and intrigue.

Esther Perel came to the conclusion that distance between partners is necessary for sexual desire. Interest flares up when we look at a person as if from afar. And it is very difficult to constantly want someone whom you know from beginning to end, whom you see every day, with whom you will definitely fall asleep and wake up the next morning. And also everyday life, household chores, raising children.

The problem seems to have no solution: if desire requires distance, then what about the closeness and comfort of partnership? Perel found the secret of how to continue wanting each other even in a long-term relationship, avoiding sexual boredom and cheating.

"Always welcome." Esther Perel © litres.ru

Carl Rogers. "Marriage and Its Alternatives"

M: "Eterna", 2006

Karl Rogers is the founder of Client Centered Therapy. This direction became a real breakthrough in psychotherapy: it put the client and the therapist in equal positions, based on humanistic values and the belief that everyone can change for the better.

"Marriage and Its Alternatives" is Rogers' discourse on love and relationships. There are no instructions, no tips, and no radical point of view of the author. But there are many stories of different couples that Rogers worked with. He analyzes all cases with his characteristic love for people and unconditional acceptance. Practical examples help to look from the outside at the development of relationships and understand what destroys them, and what, on the contrary, strengthens them.

"Marriage and Its Alternatives". Carl Rogers

Harville Hendrix, Helen Hunt. "Love for Life"

M: "Mann, Ivanov and Ferber", 2020

The authors of this book are a married couple of psychologists. Both have already had an unsuccessful marriage behind them, which made them wonder: why even good, loving relationships are often destroyed?

Initially, it seems that the "love boat has crashed against everyday life": people are immersed in household chores, do not converge in habits and begin to conflict. But Hendricks and Hunt concluded that there were more fundamental problems behind domestic squabbles. In a relationship with a partner, we reproduce the patterns that we saw in childhood, even if they were destructive and painful. This is the only love that we have learned.

To help couples change their deepest beliefs, the authors came up with imagotherapy. It is based on dialogue. By talking and discussing your relationship with your partner, you gain a positive experience and gradually change the usual pattern. This helps to come to a conscious partnership - as the authors call an open and healthy type of relationship.

The book contains examples from therapeutic practice and exercises that you can do with your partner.

"Love for Life". Harville Hendrix, Helen Hunt

John Gottman. "7 principles of a happy marriage"

M: ODRI, 2018

Do you like specific diagrams and instructions backed by scientific evidence? In the sphere of relations, they also exist. Clear evidence is the work of John Gottman, who claims to be able to predict the future of a couple by observing her for a few minutes.

Gottman has worked with different families for several years, meeting with him once a year, conducting interviews and measuring physiological indicators. Based on this data, he deduced seven factors that help maintain a long, happy marriage. At the forefront, he put emotional intelligence - the ability to understand your own and other people's emotions, share them, express your feelings for each other.

"7 principles of a happy marriage." John Gottman

Gary Chapman. "5 languages of love"

M: "Visson", 2010

Imagine a couple experiencing relationship problems, both claiming that their partner does not love them. She says: “He is always at work, then on business trips. Yes, all this is for our welfare. But what is the use of this when you need a person just to be there? " He replies: "I do everything so that she does not need anything, and I do not feel any reciprocal support at all." The problem is that they have different "love languages".

According to Gary Chapman, love has five manifestations:

gifts;
the words;
time spent together;
help;
touch.

As we share this, we feel and express love. If the languages do not match, you can love your partner very much - but he will not feel it at all.

The good news: the book simply and easily explains how to start a conversation about problems, get to know each other better and reach a new level of understanding. Suitable even for those who do not like psychology and do not want to understand it.