The first phase of falling in love passes, and instead of hormones that previously helped not to notice difficulties, the need to speak heart to heart and put up with each other's shortcomings comes to the fore. Science has proven that love does not necessarily end in three years, but people often perceive crises of relationships as an excuse to leave them under the pretext that “passion is gone”. Others are looking for a way out in infidelity, which happens even in happy families. We figure out what moments in a relationship provoke crises and how to get through them.
Crises that occur before formal marriage
First Sex Crisis
What's happening. The sacralization of virginity is gradually becoming a thing of the past, and today physical intimacy often becomes the threshold for entering a relationship. But even if you really like a man or woman, the first sex with a new partner can easily be disappointing and become a reason to think about whether to continue the romance.
How to get out of the crisis. “It is difficult to guess the sexual needs of another person on the fly, especially when you don't know him well enough,” says Marina Filonenko, a practicing psychotherapist. - Therefore, if you want certain actions from your partner, it is better to overcome embarrassment and tell him about your desires and expectations. If a man or a girl does not like the smell, and tactile sensations cause severe discomfort, it is useless to persuade yourself: it is unlikely that something will stick together. Alas, there is nothing you can do about obvious physical rejection. And you don't need to."
The dating crisis with family and friends
What's happening. Of course, there are marriages in which people know each other from school and from childhood have one social circle for two. But more often the partner still has to be introduced to his company and introduced to relatives, who are far from always ready to unconditionally accept a new person. Often this is a reason for separation.
How to get out of the crisis. “It is definitely not worth dividing life into sectors and telling your partner: at home you and I can be happy, but as soon as we find ourselves on the street, I go my own way, and you go yours. Such a "compromise" will sooner or later lead to sad consequences. Much depends on the maturity of the individual. Does a person understand why the family considers it possible to dictate their own rules to him: take this one into the house, but don't take this one? Did he try to do something to fix the situation? Responsibility for solving the problem lies primarily with the one who introduces the partner or partner to the parents and their company. You need to make it clear: this is my other half and you can think about it whatever you want, but I expect you to accept it and take care of it."
The crisis of the beginning of life together
What's happening. When two people decide to live together, this means that they need to rebuild their usual existence, if not completely, then at least partially. Many are not ready for this: they are waiting for the romance of joint awakenings, and it turns out that time has to be spent on figuring out who is sleeping on the right side of the bed and who is on the left.
How to get out of the crisis. “It is necessary to clearly agree on responsibilities. Distribute what part of everyday life each partner undertakes. Learn each other's habits. Understand how you now spend your free time - always together or separately. And of course, you definitely need to discuss what your budget will be: joint, separate, or both of you are ready to give a certain amount "for the household", and spend the rest at your own discretion. It can be awkward to talk about money, especially with a loved one, but if you immediately find a way of distributing funds that is comfortable for both, you can avoid many omissions and conflicts."
Marriage crisis
What's happening. Official marriage is a new level of responsibility. Just living with a person, even for a very long time, we travel together, choose wallpapers for a shared apartment, make plans, but do not necessarily feel that we are responsible for a partner and for a relationship. The wedding changes things. After the stamp in the passport is put, we begin to inform society about ourselves in a different way: those around us perceive us differently, expect certain behavior from us, and the desire to satisfy these expectations also creates tension in the couple.
How to get out of the crisis. “The marriage ritual latently actualizes all the questions that we ask ourselves at the stage of getting to know the future groom or bride. Is this my person, do I share his values, what future awaits us? It is worth trying again to honestly answer them to yourself in order to make sure once again that you are marrying someone with whom you are really ready to build a life together, and everything will be fine. Or find out that it is better not to rush to the wedding."
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Child-related crises
Childlessness crisis
What's happening. When a husband and wife agree that they want to postpone having a child or not have children at all, this does not always mean that both of them actually adhere to this position. For example, a woman, out of fear of losing a man, may pretend to agree to his condition to be a childless couple, hoping to persuade him to change his mind over time.
How to get out of the crisis. “In society, children are considered to be of great value. But your partner has every right not to want them, and your desire to become a parent does not outweigh his reluctance to take on that role. At the same time, the perception of parenting is a very important component of the relationship, and if a couple cannot come to an agreement for a long time, at this stage it makes sense to contact a family therapist to figure out why one is obsessed with the idea of having a child, while the other resists it. Perhaps people just have not yet been able to find the right words, and a specialist will help them with this. One thing is for sure: there is no need to persuade or, even worse, force someone who is not yet ready for this to become a parent. Everything that is done through force does not lead to anything good."
Pregnancy crisis
What's happening. Suppose a couple decides to have a child and the woman becomes pregnant. During this period, she often becomes more vulnerable, may feel worse than in the usual state, and is not always able to cope with the responsibilities that lay on her. The new, unusual state of the wife irritates the man and becomes a reason for quarrels.
How to get out of the crisis. “It is clear that a man should show more patience: in fact, he has a chance to practice before the birth of a child who will need even more attention than a vulnerable, but still independent, adult. It is important to understand: if a woman begins to manipulate her husband during pregnancy, it is likely that she has done this before and will continue to do so. So the framework must be set initially. Yes, during the period of bearing a child, it can be more difficult to control yourself, but no one throws tantrums for no reason. Therefore, one should not write off behavior that seems inadequate to pregnancy: you still need to sit down and figure out why a woman is crying and what exactly offends her or does not suit her."
Childbirth crisis
What's happening. The appearance of a child is another round of relationships, implying a redistribution of roles in the family. Crises at this stage occur, among other things, due to the intervention of third parties. They may be more experienced friends of the couple, but more often it is still about older relatives. When a grandmother seeks to raise a baby from the first days of his life, citing the fact that she knows exactly how to feed and bathe him correctly because of her age, the newly-born parents themselves begin to feel like children and are lost.
How to get out of the crisis. “Young mom and dad should be a team: it is very important to immediately agree on which path they are going. They temper the child or wrap him up, feed him by the clock or give him a free schedule, use the services of a nanny or not, who spends more time with the baby, and who brings money into the house. Yes, in Russian realities, the role of a breadwinner still often goes to a man, and in Scandinavia, a husband takes an equivalent decree. But in principle, there is no universal family model suitable for all polls. Everything that suits both spouses is good. It will be difficult for an especially active grandmother to wedge her advice into a family where clear rules have already been established."
Empty Nest Crisis
What's happening. Children grow up and begin an independent life, and parents are partially relieved of responsibility and understand that now they can do what they did not allow themselves before. Travel, improve, get education. Well, or disperse, if before that they kept the family just "for the sake of the children."
How to get out of the crisis. “Why is any crisis good? The fact that it allows you to re-plan for the future. In this sense, the crisis of the empty nest can be especially productive, since the spouses are again left to each other and to themselves. Their task is to develop a strategy for how they will further build their life together. If this does not work out, it is quite natural that there is a misunderstanding of where the relationship is going. At the same time, paradoxically, partings and even divorces can be quite useful: they help people to re-evaluate their perception of their spouse and lost family, to find a balance. Many, after a divorce, converge again and never part."
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Crises related to personal problems of partners
Disease crisis
What's happening. Even a prolonged flu is life-changing for families, not to mention serious, long-term illnesses. At the same time, the researchers found that men abandon wives who have been diagnosed with cancer six times more often than wives - with husbands with cancer. On the other hand, the initiator of a divorce is often the one who is sick: he or she does not want to be a burden for the other half.
How to get out of the crisis. “Severe illnesses, especially cancer, are often associated with feelings of guilt. The patient blames himself for complicating the life of the family, including because his treatment may require large financial investments. In turn, the spouse blames himself for oversight, not noticing the first signs of the disease in time. These processes are interrelated: it does not happen that one person eats himself by eating, and everyone around him is happy. The main thing here is to accept the new reality. Do not fall into despair, but begin to function in changed circumstances. Schedule the procedures to be done during the day, distribute the budget. A clear plan of action and mutual support will help the family to mobilize and get through the difficult phase."
Job Loss Crisis
What's happening. For someone who brings money to a family, losing a job can be a real tragedy. It's not just a matter of declining prosperity: a man or woman seems to fall out of the family structure, ceases to be a person on whom to rely. As a result, his perception of himself changes - usually for the worse.
How to get out of the crisis. “Your task is to prevent your partner from getting bogged down in worries. If you tell your husband day after day that he is a loser, pretty soon he will begin to perceive himself that way. A family that has support comes out of such a crisis. But if there is no support, the person naturally looks for it on the side. This is not only about a lover or mistress, but also about drinking companions. The illusion is created that only those with whom you drink understand you, so the loss of a job often leads to the development of alcoholism. So it is important to pay attention to whom and how the spouse who is out of work spends time."
The crisis of going to psychotherapy
What's happening. Little is said about this, but when one of the partners begins to go to psychotherapy, as a result, he may take a fresh look at the relationship and even want to end it. By understanding ourselves more deeply, we are better aware of what we want from marriage and whether the spouse can give it.
How to get out of the crisis. “Psychotherapy is useful in that it helps to isolate where you are, and where are social stereotypes and imposed desires. And if the process of realizing that you may have made the wrong choice is already started, then it is unlikely that it will be possible to stop it, even if the therapy is abruptly interrupted. So there are two options: either the spouses go to a specialist together and deliberately work on their marriage, or they really disagree. In any case, there is no relationship without crises, and each of them is an excellent opportunity to move to a new level of development for both the couple and the personalities of the partners. ">