Our verbal ways to charm, flirt, seduce are not particularly varied. In direct communication, they drown in a powerful stream of non-verbal sensations and actions (intonation, gestures, touches, and even smells), but in correspondence, especially with people we are trying to conquer, the use of words comes to the fore. And here, without realizing it, we make a selection: for some, our manner of communicating has a fascinating effect, while others are frightened away and banished from our social circle. If you understand your communication preferences, you can take advantage of their advantages and be aware of the inevitable disadvantages.
Monologue and dialogue
People are divided into two categories: some gravitate towards monologue, others prefer dialogue. Changing yourself so that you move from one category to another is quite difficult. Here are tips to help you understand which category you belong to and by what laws your correspondence usually develops.
© FRAME FROM THE FILM "Hotel Chevalier". MODE Wes Anderson. 2007
Active monologues (A-monologues)
A monologues love to speak themselves and, if they are interrupted, experience a variety of emotions that can be described as "I feel something bad." If you belong to the category of A monologues, you speak a lot, in detail and well, all the more you write. From your listener, you can only withstand few words that help you to engage with new ardor in the topic being developed, and it does not matter whether you talk about your own victories, a series of misfortunes that haunt you, or the genetic classification of languages.
If you write, then the correct answer of your addressee will be a retelling of your letter with rhythmic inserts “Tell me more!”. The reaction of the listener or addressee will be considered as incorrect if in response you hear or read any detailed story on a different topic.
Excellent A monologues are intelligent and varied. Their speeches are heard in large companies, friends and loved ones cannot tear themselves away from them.
Heavy A-monologues are people of the same theme. In any conversation, they wedge in with stories about the antics of their beloved dog or about the intrigues of the boss. It is the terrible A-monologues who endlessly develop the theme of the treachery of men or the baseness of women. They really often get it for their peculiarity: they do not hear anyone, and listening to them can be simply boring.
A separate subspecies of the A monologue is the instructor. As the definition suggests, the instructor gives instructions. If the addressee interrupts the instructor with extraneous considerations or, even worse, does not listen to the end, then there is no hope for a relationship. But if he listens to the instructions quietly (without even thinking to execute), the likelihood of a life-long novel is high.
Relationships with excellent instructors give protection and confidence: such people will clearly tell you how to change the password, what is knocking on the motor and what medications to take for angina. And they will shut up.
Heavy instructors will give instructions on how to live: “So that's it. Tomorrow at 6 in the morning you go out for a run, then you eat three and a half nuts …”- and they never stop talking, because life is full of problems and each of them requires instructions.
If you are an A-monologue, then in love, especially in love correspondence, you rigidly, albeit unconsciously, carry out the casting of partners: among the entire communicative diversity of people, you select mainly passive monologues.
© FRAME FROM THE FILM "Hotel Chevalier". MODE Wes Anderson. 2007
Passive monologues (P-monologues)
If you are a P-monologue, then meeting an A-monologue is happiness. The P-monologue is the ideal listener. He speaks little and writes shortly. Having received a wonderful love message from the A monologue, he responds with two or three words, but responds immediately. If his pen partner hesitates (adding, for example, another monologue), the P-monologue sends him gifs or stickers, meaning: “Well, where are you? Write more!" The P-monologue gets annoyed when asked to tell something, and frankly gets angry when details are pulled out of him. He can start a chat first by sending a sticker and a couple of question marks, but a symmetrical emoji answer will disappoint him. But the answer to 20 thousand signs - with the history of the question, landscapes, dialogues and inserted novellas - will prompt him to an admiring remark in the form of a dozen multi-colored hearts.
An excellent P-monologue is a grateful listener. The heavy P-monologue is a gloomy silent man. Most often they are the same person.
Disappointment
The harmony between active and passive monologues is not a foregone conclusion. Various factors can destroy it.
An active monologue in the text is absolutely transparent, in his messages one can see not only its advantages, but also its disadvantages.
The passive monologue is almost hidden in the correspondence, so it is quite possible to be disappointed at the beginning of real communication after a period of long correspondence. But even short remarks may contain warning elements.
Too many diminutive words, all kinds of "babies" and "crumbs" can be a manifestation of hidden aggression, and not just bad taste.
Even more unpleasant are the “strange answers”. These include: stamps - "I heard you" (translated as "Enough already, I understand"); whimpering - "Oh, I'm so uneducated!" (translation: "Have pity on me and do not demand anything");
devaluing compliments - "You write so competently" (translation: "The meaning of what you wrote is indifferent to me").
Such answers, in addition to all the same hidden aggression, inform: "You are just a function for me, your true Self is unnecessary for me." And the long and inexplicable pauses in communication, which say without words: “Are you waiting? Worried? Are you worried? It's nice!" Such pauses are often punishment for unsuspecting desires, unsuccessful "mind reading", but they can also mean that a person is simply training the interlocutor.
© FRAME FROM THE FILM "Hotel Chevalier". MODE Wes Anderson. 2007 Dialogists
Dialogists are full of curiosity about the interlocutor. If you talk about feelings and ask questions without fear, then you are a dialogist. For example: “You ask if you are bored with me. Don't do this anymore, otherwise I get upset. " Dialogists are not tormented by the question of how to understand the "See you soon" note. They simply write back, "Is Wednesday 7:30 okay?"
Excellent dialogues help the dialogue partner to reveal qualities in himself that he did not even know about. They are irresistible and know how to build relationships close to ideal.
Heavy dialogists are assertive and tactless, although this also has its own charm.
Real love
Love relationships between representatives of different categories are possible. And here's the happy news: love isn't just about talking and writing. If “in real life” everything is fine, then the communication models adapt.
The two A-monologues are the most difficult to adjust to each other. While one speaks, the other is not so much listening as exhausted with impatience: when, when will his turn finally come? But by accepting each other, the A-monologues form a fun couple. They write letters to each other, which will be read by their great-grandchildren, and “in real life” they growl at each other (“Let me tell you!”), Often leave the guests irritated (“I can't open my mouth in front of you!”), Quarrel and reconcile - 40 years in a row since the first letter.
* Psycholinguistics is an interdisciplinary field at the intersection of linguistics and psychology. The approaches to this area from the side of linguistics and from the side of psychology differ significantly. Here is a "psychological approach to psycholinguistics" in which psychological goals are served using linguistic tools.>